Patchwork – Sabah / Transgender UK


I call them my tits because that’s what they are I hate them, I hate my tits I’m scared of what will happened without them After getting used to them for so long flattened, pressed hard, tight around my ribs Black elastic wrapping my torso. That’s what my chest is these are my tits I’m used to this, binding, Doesn’t that mean uniting? I’m scared of what will happened without them My tits, my breasts, when they disappear from my chest I’ve had a hard time breathing, I had a hard time being but that’s normal now, that’s ordinary without them, will life be extraordinary ? I’m Sabah and I am 23 I’m having chest surgery in three days You know people assume that this is what you wanted your whole life and I didn’t know that because I didn’t really know I was trans for most of my life either and I think there’s a lot of pressure on people to be happy about it and all my friends and family would be like if you’re happy then that’s great, it’s what you wanted or like saying, I’m happy for you and I’m thinking, I’m not happy for me! I’m really scared! because it’s a major operation, I think people forget that I don’t think I’m used to the idea of someone looking after me that much especially when it’s someting that’s gonna affect her as much as it affects me Because the same way, I’ve got got to get used to my body without this, she’s gonna have to get use to it as well It’s been a week since my surgery I’ve already got into habit of wanting to just pick things up and do the dishes make my cup of tea but I can’t and she ‘s making sure I don’t Even at the hospital Vicky was texting my family and making sure that they were reassured I think that even the support you’ve given me has made us a lot more closer even though you can’t hug me It’s gonna be really great just to be with you and not have that kind of weight on my mind like it’s really hard to be intimate with someone when this something you hate is in the way I’m really looking forward to seeing these changes in you Because they are so many limitations on things that you don’t feel quite confident enough to do even just in day to day life I think I will really be able to see you coming through now A lot of people think it’s about passing as male and not going under the radar but that won’t change I know that won’t I’ll still look the same I’ll probably just act like more confident I’ll probably end up acting a bit more camp but it’s important to acknowledge that because for me it’s not about not passing and things like that it’s more about my emotional kind of transition and my perception of how I see myself and how I look Take a look at my chest you won’t know they are breasts. You won’t know they’re there and you won’t know they’re gone. Without them life will just go on.