Drug Company Hearing – SNL

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>>>ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU FOR
AGREEING TO DO THIS, THIS HEARING.
BOTH OF YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THE DECISIONS MADE TODAY ARE LEGALLY
BINDING?>>YES.
>>YES.>>YES, SIR.
>>GREAT. MRS. WILLIAMS, YOU ARE FILING A
CLAIM AGAINST YOUR FORMER EMPLOYER, MERCK PHARMACEUTICALS
WHERE YOU WORKED FOR THE PAST 22 YEARS.
>>YES, SIR. I’M SUING FOR INTELLECTUAL
PROPERTY THEFT BECAUSE THEY’VE STOLEN MANY OF MY IDEAS, AND I
AM ASKING FOR $20 MILLION IN DAMAGES.
>>THAT’S RIDICULOUS. MRS. WILLIAMS WORKED IN
ACCOUNTING. NO ONE THERE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR
IDEAS.>>SIR, LET ME GIVE YOU AN
EXAMPLE. IN DECEMBER, 2004, THIS COMPANY
CREATED A DRUG CALLED SEASONIQUE.
WELL, BACK IN 1997, I HAD A CHILD.
SAY HELLO TO SEASONIQUE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>HELLO.>>YOUR NAME IS SEASONIQUE.
>>YES, SIR. MY BIRTH NAME IS
SEASONIQUE BONIVA WILLIAMS. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>THAT’S RIGHT. SEASONIQUE WAS BORN ON THE ONE
SPECIAL DAY BETWEEN SPRING AND SUMMER.
[ LAUGHTER ] SHE WAS SEASONIQUE.
AND THAT IS NOT THE ONLY EXAMPLE.
THIS COMPANY HAS STOLEN DOZENS OF NAMES, NAMED DOZENS OF DRUGS
AFTER MEMBERS OF MY FAMILY.>>UH, MRS. WILLIAMS —
>>PLEASE CALL ME LYRICA. [ LAUGHTER ]
THAT’S MY NAME, BUT ALSO AN ANTI-EPILEPSY DRUG.
>>THAT’S CERTAINLY INTERESTING.>>PLEASE, WE HAVE A TEAM THAT
NAMES OUR PRODUCTS ACCORDING TO YEARS OF RESEARCH.
THIS IS CLEARLY A COINCIDENCE.>>OH, REALLY?
LET’S LOOK AT SOME OTHER EXAMPLES, SHALL WE?
CELEXA.>>THAT’S MY COUSIN.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>FEMARA.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>MY OTHER COUSIN.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>ELIQUIS, SHE LIVES DOWN THE
WAY.>>OVER THERE.
>>CYMBALTA.>>SHE IS TROUBLE, BUT SHE’S
FUN.>>MM-HMM.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>ALLEGRA.
NOW SHE DOES MY HAIR, NOW SHE DON’T HAVE A SHOP, SO I GO TO
HER HOUSE WHERE SHE HAS A LITTLE BABY NAMED LITTLE NICORETTE.
[ LAUGHTER ] SO YOU SEE, SIR, THESE PEOPLE
AREN’T COMING UP WITH NEW DRUG NAMES.
THEY’RE JUST FLIPPING THROUGH THE CONTACTS OF MY PHONE.
>>THERE DOES APPEAR TO BE EVIDENCE HERE.
>>SIR, THIS IS JUST PAYBACK. MRS. WILLIAMS WAS RECENTLY LAID
OFF FROM MERCK, AND SHE’S LOOKING FOR RETRIBUTION.
>>YOU THINK SO? WELL, LET ME BRING IN ONE OF MY
CO-WORKERS, WHO’S STILL — IS EMPLOYED THERE TODAY.
COME ON IN.>>UH, AND YOU ARE?
>>LUNESTRA. [ LAUGHTER ]
LUNESTRA CRESTOR HARRISON. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND I WORKED AT MERCK FOR 11 YEARS.
BACK IN 2009, I FELL ASLEEP ON MY COMPUTER KEYBOARD, AND TWO
WEEKS LATER THIS COMPANY CAME OUT WITH A SLEEP AID CALLED
LUNESTRA. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
THIS COMPANY HAS TAKEN THE NAMES OF SO MANY PEOPLE IN OUR
NEIGHBORHOOD, INCLUDING MY SISTER, PROPECIA.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>OR MY NEPHEW, DAYQUIL.
>>WELL, I HAVE TO SAY THAT SEEMS MORE THAN CIRCUMSTANTIAL.
>>PERHAPS. BUT EVEN IF IT WAS, THERE’S JUST
NO PROOF HAVING THE SAME NAMES AS THE DRUGS HAS CAUSED THE
WOMEN ANY HARM.>>REALLY?
YOU THINK IT IS NICE TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH HIGH CHOLESTEROL
AND ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION? [ LAUGHTER ]
>>NO, IT’S TERRIBLE! I’M SORRY.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>SEE?
HE KNOWS THIS IS THE BIGGEST CORPORATE INJUSTICE SINCE MY
AUNT, ACTIVIA, WORKED AT THIS YOGURT COMPANY.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>IT IS A TRAVESTY.
OH, OH, I AM SORRY SIR. I’M HAVING A LITTLE EPISODE.
I NEED MY HUMIRA.>>OH, THAT’S FINE.
CAN WE GET YOU A CLASS OF WATER?>>NO, HUMIRA ITS MY EMOTIONAL
SUPPORT DOG. SHE ALWAYS CALMS ME DOWN.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>YOU EVEN STOLE HER DOG!
[ LAUGHTER ]>>COME ON.
>>OKAY, ALL RIGHT. I HAVE TO SAY THE EVIDENCE IS
OVERWHELMING.>>OKAY.
HER CLAIM HAS MERIT. I AM AWARDING HER THE FULL
AMOUNT IN DAMAGES. THANK YOU ALL.
>>SO WE GET THE MONEY. I CAN FINALLY PUT TYLENOL
THROUGH COLLEGE.>>I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY STOLE
THAT FROM YOU TOO.